If you are a gentleman who has never resorted to violence in any way, shape or form towards women I can understand and appreciate that you might have great difficulty understanding the normal lived experience of women in their day to day lives. Therefore I thought that I would share a terrible story that happened to “Melanie” in the hope that her story will provide clarity and empathy from the male reader and informed danger knowledge to the female reader. I will expose the warning signals missed and the one instinct that saved her life.

Why am I credentialed to write about safety, self-defense and signals of danger. I personally do not make up the statistics amongst women who has ever had trauma as a child, no sexual or physical assaults, I have never been raped nor received grievous bodily harm. However I have been on the receiving end of 5 separate violent events directed at me, from 5 different strangers with 6 different weapons, largely for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. This included being held up at gun point on my first night shift of my first job at a Melbourne petrol station. Yes, I quit. I had just started my first shift alone after 2 weeks of training. My shift was 10pm – 6am. It was 10.20pm when the armed man walked directly to the register “appearing out of nowhere” brandishing a weapon pointed right at my face. This was 30 odd years ago and back then, there were no glass shield to protect and provide a barrier between the weapon and me.

Since that eventful evening I have done a lot of martial arts, but more particularly I have learned self-defense in its myriads of forms. I have taught self-defense to both adults and secondary school in a variety of contexts. I feel more than equipped to write on the topic. Note that Part 1 and Part 2 I am purely dealing with stranger violence, not relationship or known person’s violence.

Melanie’s Story

I shall share the story and then deconstruct it so you, the reader, can see where, why and how things went pear-shaped. One thing that I can say confidently is that intuition is your most powerful ally. So guys, if you’re reading this blog, try and put yourself into the shoes of a woman and try and live the experience through my story as a female. (I know, hard, but try)!

It began one afternoon in an effort to get all her shopping done in 1 trip. Melanie had overestimated what she could comfortably carry home. Justifying her decision as she struggled with her awkward and heavy bags, she reminded herself that making 2 trips would have meant walking home after dark. Living in Melbourne where random attacks certainly happen, she didn’t want to walk in the dark. Melanie didn’t take unnecessary risks and she did consider her safety. As she climbed a few steps to her building where she lived in a high rise apartment, she saw that the door had been left and latched again. “My neighbors just don’t get it” she thought. And though this lack of security annoyed her, this time she was glad to be saved the trouble of getting out her key. She closed the door behind her pushing it until she heard it latch. She was 100% certain she did and heard this. She’s certain it locked which means he must have already been inside the corridor. Melanie closed the door behind her and next came 4 flights of steps which she wanted to do in one trip.

Near the top of the third landing one of the shopping bags gave way, tearing open and dispensing cans of cat food and soup. They rolled down the stairs almost playfully as if they were trying to get away from her. One can rolled quickly, paused at the 2nd floor landing and Melanie watched, as it literally turned the corner, gained some speed and began its seemingly mindful steamroll down the next flight of steps and out of sight.

“It’s alright, I got it” someone called out. Melanie didn’t like the voice right from the start. Something just sounded wrong to her, but then she tells me that a super friendly looking young guy came bounding up the stairs collecting cans along the way. He said “let me give your hand.”
“No thanks. No, I’ve got it” Melanie had said to him.
“You don’t look like you’ve got it. What floor are you going to?”
She paused before answering him “the fourth, but I’m ok, really.”
He wouldn’t hear a word of it. And by this time he had collected a collection of cans balanced between his chest and arms.
I’m going to the fourth too, he said “and I’m late, not my fault broken watch , so let’s not just stand here and give me that.”
He reached out and tagged on one of the heavier bags Melanie was holding. Melanie repeated; “no really thanks, but no I’ve got it.” still holding onto the plastic shopping bag.

Melanie recalls her attacker then said “there’s such a thing has been too proud, you know.”
For a moment, Melanie didn’t let go of that bag but then she did. I told my friend that this seemingly insignificant exchange, was anything but. Because that is the precise moment that signaled that Melanie was willing to trust him.
As the bag passed from her control to his so did Melanie.
The stranger was now in control.

“We better hurry, he said as he walked up the stairs ahead of Melanie, we’ve got a hungry cat up there.”
Even though he seemed to want nothing more at that moment than to be helpful Mel recalls feeling apprehensive about him and for no good reason. She couldn’t at the time articulate why. She thought he was friendly and gentlemanly and she felt guilty about her suspicion. Like a lot of women Mel doesn’t want to be the kind of person who distrusted everybody.

Next, they are approaching the door to her apartment.
“Did you know a cat can live for 3 weeks without eating he asked. I’ll tell you how I learn that titbit. I once forgot that I had promised to feed a cat while a friend of mine was out of town.”
Melanie was now standing at the door to her apartment, which she’d just opened.
“I’ll take it from here” she said, hoping he’d hand the shopping to her and be on his way.
Instead he said “oh no. I didn’t come this far to let you have another cat food spill.”
When Melanie still hesitated to let him in her door he laughed understandingly.
“We can leave the door open like ladies do old movies. I’ll just put this stuff down and go. I promise.”
She did let him in but he did not keep his promise.

This man took away Melanie’s confidence. He also took away her dignity. We learned later that this predator had already stabbed and killed another woman. However, Melanie did listen to one small survival signal that literally saved her life, just as failing to follow so many others had put her risk in the first place.
He had held a gun to Melanie’s head for 3 long hours. After he had finished, he got up from the bed. He got dressed and then closed the window. He glanced at his watch and then started acting like he was in some kind of hurry.

“I gotta be somewhere. Hey, don’t look so scared. I promise I am not gonna hurt you. “
Melanie, absolutely knew with a 100% certainty that he was lying.
She intuitively knew he planned to kill her and though it may be hard to imagine, Melanie told me that this was the first time since the incident began that she felt profound fear.

He motioned to her with the gun.
He said “don’t you move or do anything, I’m going to the kitchen to get something to drink and then I will leave. I promise. But you stay right where you are.”
He had little reason to be concerned that Melanie might disobey his instructions because she had been, from the moment she let go of that bag until this moment, completely under his control.
“You know I won’t move” she assured him.

But the instant he stepped from the room, Melanie stood up and walked after him. Pulling the sheet off the bed with her, she was literally right behind him like a ghost and he didn’t know she was right there. They walked down the hall together. At one point he stopped and so did Melanie. He looked at Melanie’s stereo which Mel had left on before leaving to shop. It was still playing some music on Spotify. He reached out and made the music louder. When he moved on toward the kitchen, Melanie turned and walked through the living room. Melanie could hear drawers being opened as she walked out her front door leaving it ajar. She walked directly into the apartment across the hall, which she somehow knew would be unlocked. Holding a finger up to signal her surprised neighbors to be quiet, she locked their door behind her.

In Part 2, that I will post tomorrow, being the 11th November I will introduce some terms as I decipher the tools the predator used. This will likely be terms new to you, unless your an expert in deception. There is no blueprint for every dangerous situation and circumstance. However one thing is paramount, and that is intuition and one’s ability to listen and act upon it with no qualms.