More Manipulation Strategies

Charm is another overrated ability. Note that I call it an ability not an inherent feature of one’s personality. Charm is almost always a directed instrument. And it has motive. To charm is to compel to control by allure or attraction. Think of charm as a verb, not a trait. If you consciously tell yourself, “this person is trying to charm me” as opposed to ‘this person is charming’ you’ll be able to see around it. Most often when you see what’s behind charm it won’t be sinister, but other times you will be glad you looked.

“He seemed so nice.” This is a common response that victims say about the person who was the predator. I learnt a very long time ago that niceness does not equal goodness. Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction. It’s not a character trait. People seeking to control others almost always present the image of a ‘nice person’ in the beginning, like rapport, building charm and the deceptive smile, solicited niceness often has a discoverable motive.

It’s In the Details

Too many details. People who want to deceive you often use a simple technique that has a simple name. Too many details. So Melanie’s attacker’s use of the story about the cat he left unfed in a friend’s apartment. ….yeah, too many details. His reference to leaving the door open “like ladies do in old movies”…. too many details. He volunteered that he’s always late, broken watch, not my fault”…. too many details…

When people are telling the truth, they don’t feel doubted so they don’t feel the need for additional support in the form of details. When people lie, however, even if what they say sounds credible to you, it doesn’t sound credible to them, so they just keep talking. I call it “air-raiding.” 😊

Like everything context is everything. The person who recognises the strategy of too many details sees the forest while simultaneously being able to see the few trees that really matter. For example, when approached by a stranger while walking on some city street at night no matter how engaging he might be, we as women have to never lose sight of the context. He is a stranger who approached you. At night.

Typecasting

Another strategy that Melanie’s attacker used is typecasting. Typecasting is where a man labels a woman in some slightly critical way. This is in the hope that she will feel compelled to prove that his opinion isn’t accurate. I hear and witness this every single day in normal ‘day to day’ contexts. “You’re probably too beautiful to talk to likes of me” a man may say in order to get a female to speak with him. If he says this to a woman who is innately kind and pleasant, she will then make conversation to prove him wrong. Mission accomplished; he got her to engage. Or “you don’t look like someone who reads the newspaper” and so the woman sets out to prove that she is well informed.

Thus when Melanie initially refused her attacker’s assistance, he said “there’s such a thing as being too proud, you know?” And Mel unfortunately resisted the label by accepting his help. Typecasting always involves a slight insult and usually one that is easy to refute, but it is the response itself that the typecaster seeks. The defense is silence acting as if the words weren’t even spoken. If you engage, you can win the point but you might lose something greater. Not that it should matter what some stranger thinks anyway. It’s ironic but the typecaster likely doesn’t even believe what he says he says is true, he just believes that it will work.

Loansharking

With Melanie, the rapist wanted to be allowed to help her because that placed Melanie ‘in his debt’. And the fact that you owe a person something makes it hard to ask them to kindly leave you the fuck alone. The predator generally offers assistance, but they are always calculating the debt. The defence is to bring 2 rarely remembered facts into your consciousness. He approached Melanie and Melanie did not ask for help.

We’re all familiar with the stranger who offers to help a woman with her shopping. Most often it’s a fairly unsophisticated line in an attempt to pick up. But a predator imposes his counterfeit charity into someone else’s life and he has a clear motive. There is no spiritually minded movement dedicated to lightening the burden of the woman by carrying her shopping. At best loansharking is a strategy on par with asking a girl “do you come here often?” At its worst it exploits a victim’s sense of obligation and fairness.

The Unsolicited Promise

Melanie’s attacker said “I’ll just put this stuff down and go, I promise.” The unsolicited promise is one of the most reliable signals because it nearly always is of questionable motive. Promises are used to convince us of an intention. But they are not a guarantee. A guarantee is a promise that offers some compensation if the speaker fails to deliver, the guarantor commits to make it all right again. A promise has no such collateral, and are very hollow instruments of speech showing nothing more than the speaker’s desire to convince you of something.
In the context of say, text messaging me for an appointment, but I have told a prospective client that I don’t wish to see them due to their previous communication being rude, often the prospective client will “promise not to be rude again.”

If I don’t like rudeness, and this person has shown themselves to be rude once, why would I place myself in a situation whereby they can be rude again? That’s right. I wouldn’t. And the same goes for safety. So, aside from meeting all unsolicited promises with scepticism it’s useful to ask yourself “why does this person need to convince me?” The answer it turns out…. is not about him, it is about you, the reason a person promises something. The reason he needs to convince you is that he can see that you are not convinced.
You have doubt, which is a messenger of intuition.

Likely because there is reason to doubt the great gift of the unsolicited promise is that the speaker tells you so himself. In effect, the promise holds up a mirror in which you get a second chance to see your own intuitive signal. The promise is the image and the reflection of your doubt. So always in every context, be careful and suspicious of the unsolicited promise. Here’s your defense when someone says” I promise.”

“You’re right. I am hesitant about trusting you and maybe with good reason. Thanks for pointing that out.” And if that seems ‘too direct’, at least be thinking this in your head if you are reluctant to say it out loud.

The Messengers of Intuition

Fear
Anxiety
Curiosity
Gut Feeling
Hesitation
Suspicion
Doubt
Apprehension
Negative Feelings
Persistent thoughts
Hunches

Never Justify Yourself For Acting with Caution

I have a message for men who feel women are being silly and overreacting by taking vigilant steps to defend our safety concerns. “Mr, I know everything about danger”, you have nothing to contribute to the topic of MY personal security and security. My survival instinct is a gift from nature that knows a lot more about my safety than you do. Nature does not require your approval. I do understand that the perspectives of men and women on safety are very different. I don’t remember when I first heard this very simple description of one dramatic contrast between the genders, but it is strikingly accurate. It went “Men at core are afraid women will laugh at them while at core women are afraid men will kill them.”

Women and Self-Defense

I am very passionate about asserting myself and empowering other women to feel safe. I advocate that all women should do some full-contact self-defense, preferably in a centre that uses padded instructors who pose as assailants. Verbal skills are defiantly advantageous as anyone wants to try to avoid confrontation if at all possible. Learning ways to make victimization less likely, and techniques designed specifically for the physical advantages women bring to self-defense are all great lessons.

COMMUNICATION VIA EMAIL AND TEXTS FROM CLIENT TO ESCORT

I have discussed the warning signs that can help you avoid being a victim of violence but even if you make excellent predictions, you can of course, still find yourself in danger. I can’t offer a checklist of what to do for each type of hazard you may encounter. You can’t just copy and paste approaches. That would be really dangerous and unwise. For example, some people suggest that if you’re a woman and your being raped not to resist, while others say always resist. Neither strategy is right for all situations.

If you are a female reader, I hope this series of blogs has been useful. For the male reader, perhaps enlightening and revealing. It would be remiss of me to not mention, one more time, that if I can glean all of the signs in a physical situation, I would urge you to imagine how skilled I am at reading through texts. And I say ‘through’ on purpose. Language communicates so many things that I can discern a human threat simply through a short, seemingly ‘normal’ text. I would bet everything I own and have, including my life, that I have avoided many dangerous appointments by turning down hundreds and hundreds of want to be clients.

Information about obsession, control, violence, commitment, freedom is always there, in artful conversation. Therefore I am certain you can see and understand the benefits of making appointments with companions who are clear with confidentiality protocols and safety procedures, as it works both ways. I would be far more concerned about being “scammed”, rolled, or assaulted by escorts pimps who do NOT request verification and ID. That is a big red and hairy flag.

Conclusion

My one primary strategy is listen to your intuition. I don’t know what might be best for you in some dangerous situations. Because I don’t have all the information. But you will have all the information. So don’t listen to a checklist of what to do that you downloaded off the internet or a magazine articles checklist of what not to do. Don’t even listen to the story about what your friend did, or apply Melanies tactics to your own situation. Listen to the wisdom that comes from having heard all by listening to yourself.